19 May 2009

Business 101, By Barack Obama

As Bill Clinton once taught our children that oral sex isn't really sex, thus redefining "1st base" for a new generation, Barack Obama has decided to redefine business strategies for all future would be CEOs. The president's model: the American auto industry.

According to the president, if an industry is in trouble simply follow these steps and before you know it . . .
  1. Make sure the industry is already functioning under a number of Federally mandated restrictions so they will be continually retooling rather than following what the market demands.

  2. Give the companies bailout money right before they claim bankruptcy. Oh, and make sure there are lots of strings attached to the money so you can seize control when you get the chance.

  3. Remove some scapegoat leaders and replace them with your own people to ensure you spread Washington style efficiency and fiscal responsibility to the industry.

  4. Make sure the new people you have placed in positions of power have absolutely no previous experience in that particular industry.

  5. Grease the wheels so your people quickly drive the business into bankruptcy. Speed is always of the essence.

  6. Make sure a couple thousand small businesses (like, say, franchised dealerships) are forced to shut down over the course of a few short weeks just to shake things up and grow those fun-filled unemployment lines.

  7. Then, just when they think things couldn't get worse . . . slap them with a bunch of new regulations to ensure they stagger about for a few more years, absorbing massive costs that can be passed on to future customers

The approach is inspired genius.

Hey, speaking of those new auto regulations: I know Obama is trying to ride the global warming fear wagon on this one, but doesn't he realize that volcanic eruptions create more "greenhouse gases" than automobiles? When is he going to step up and slap some regs on nature and its selfishly nasty polluting ways? Oh wait . .



  1. Nikki said...

    Classic first line Khaki!! I love lines that make me wish I would have thought of them!! :)N

  2. Z said...

    ssshhhh. if anybody could regulate nature, it would be THE WON, as a friend cleverly dubbed him.
    super list, Khaki...just great.

    it's getting scary out there.

  3. Chuck said...

    Great post. It is amazing that he is going to make it even harder to sell cars. Your right it will be years before they recover, four years to be exact.

  4. Khaki Elephant said...

    Thanks, Nikki. That is a high compliment coming from you.

    Z, your friend pulled the perfect name. And you may be right. In him all things are possible, right?

    Chuck, the absolute arrogance couple with ignorance of these people is astounding. And let's just hope those four years pass quickly . . . and that people have learned.